Review - Python

Ensign Crusher with pink hair . . . what would Captain Picard think?

Python tried to be an entertaining little flick. It sort of worked to a point, then went horribly wrong somewhere - I think it was the opening credits!

The story is this, Dr. Anton Rudolph (Robert Englund) is a herpetologist who has found the world’s biggest snake and commissioned a government plane to bring the beast back to his lab for study. One major problem, the snake gets hungry on the plane ride and eats the crew and causes the plane to crash. Enter Bart Parker (Casper VanDien) and his cheesy southern(?) accent. He plays an agent hell bent on seeing the snake “pay” for killing the crew of the plane - not to mention a few local townsfolk of Ruby.

There is a sub-story of course. John Cooper (Frayne Rosanoff), a formerly famous bmx racer comes home to Ruby just in time for the big snake feast (oh and let’s not forget that he steals Kristin (Dana Baron) the girl of the town’s favorite police officer Greg Larson (William Zabka).) John also works at the family plant where they just happen to use acid for their plating business. Did I forget to mention that the snake also spits caustic acid on its prey? Well it does. Of course, Officer Larson and his little sidekick, Deputy Lewis Ross (Sean Whalen) would like nothing better than to nail old John for these murders. That is until Larson and Cooper duke it out in the streets of Ruby and remember that they are old friends again.

Tommy (Wil Wheaton with pink hair) and Theresa (Sara Mornell) are also a “hot couple” in the film. And when Tommy and Theresa don’t come to pick John and Kristin up for their weekend at Camp Crystal Lake (of all places!) they start to get worried and search for them. Thus, starts the beginning of the end. Actually, the end of this film started at the beginning. My head is just throbbing thinking about all of the little plots and subplots. It’s as if this movie were pieced together by Dr. Frankenstein himself.

The acting was bad, the direction was bad, the CGI was bad. I would say about the only good thing about this film was that mercifully, it ended. Well, maybe Jenny McCarthy’s head being lopped off by the tail of a giant snake . . . that might’ve been good too - especially after her “acting” in Python.

Directed by
Richard Clabaugh

Writing credits
Phillip J. Roth (story) (as Phillip Roth)

Chris Neal (screenplay) and
Garrison Hershberger (screenplay) (as Gary Hershberger) and
Paul Bogh (screenplay) (as Paul J.M. Bogh)

Chris Neal screenplay

Cast (in credits order)
Frayne Rosanoff .... John Cooper
Robert Englund .... Dr. Anton Rudolph
William Zabka .... Greg Larsen
Dana Barron .... Kristin
Sara Mornell .... Theresa
Wil Wheaton .... Tommy
Jenny McCarthy .... Francesca Garibaldi
Chris Owens .... Brian Cooper
Sean Whalen .... Deputy Lewis Ross
Gary Grubbs .... Sheriff Griffin Wade
Theo Nicholas Pagones .... Dootsen (as Theo Pagones)
Scott Williamson .... Kenny Summers
David Bowe .... Boone
Keith Coogan .... Lenny
John Franklin .... Floyd Fuller
LoriDawn Messuri .... Lisa
Kathleen Lambert .... Roberta
Robert Lepucki .... Bravo Leader
Ed Lauter .... Pilot
Marc McClure .... Co-Pilot
Natasha Roth .... Little Girl in Park
Trevor Baer .... Billy
Greta .... Baby
Casper Van Dien .... Bart Parker